BEG: A lottery-type game where dogs match their thespian skills against their person's inherent selfishness as humans rarely share a food dish as they expect all dogs to do. Can be done standing or seated, whining and tail wagging are optional, but hungry-eyes or sad-eyes are a must.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for at least the length of your yard; if done correctly the person then swerves and falls into the ditch. If you are already physically fit, then this "exercise" can be used merely for your entertainment.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of hot coffee or tea.
CARPET: An artificial indoor lawn. Can be utilized the same as the lawn outside--for sleeping, playing, or to relieve one's self.
CHEW TOY: Generally, this means shoes, slippers, the newspaper, a table leg, or rocking chair runners, but can also include store-bought squeaky toys and/or leather bones.
COMB/BRUSH: A medieval torture device. It is not yet known what information humans are trying to extract out of dogs subjected to this treatment. Crying out in pain is standard protocol, but wetting oneself is, while embarrassing, a very effective deterrent.
CRATE: A potty-training device for dogs used mostly at night. It is perfectly sufficient to sleep in one on a strictly voluntary basis, but you should never enter one on demand.
DEAFNESS: A malady which affects a dog when its person wants it to come inside and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
DIAPERS (SOILED): See Chew Toy. You know you are most beloved when your person hides these for you to find.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the
white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DOGGIE DOOR: In ingenious device that enables you to track mud, or bring leaves, sticks, small dead animals and other debris into your home as a housewarming gift for your people.
DROOL: Generally used in conjunction with Beg (above). What to do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close to your person as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their lap.
FETCH: A game your overweight person wants you to play when he/she thinks YOU are fat.
FLEAS: Small parasitic, blood-sucking terrorists that use dogs and other small animals as a vehicle to covertly get from the outside to the inside. They are best avoided if at all possible as they have been known to hijack dogs even when they offer to cooperate.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. May have weights, straps or other locking devices attached as an additional test. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, moldy crusts of bread, the ever popular dirty diaper, etc.
GOOSE BUMP: A quick nose jab in the rectum of your person or their guest, works best when said person is bent over. A last-resort maneuver used when the regular Bump (listed above) doesn't get the attention you require from this human. Especially effective when combined with the Sniff (see below).
"GO POTTY!": A favorite phrase used by humans while pointing out an open door, usually early in the morning and late at night. It can be either hot or cold, rain or shine, snow or sleet. At last report, no dog has ever actually found one but it is a canine rite that every dog at least run around for a few minutes looking for this enigmatic "Potty" before returning to the door. Most report that this is also a good time to use the bathroom unless you can hold it long enough to get back inside.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" -- especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
LITTER PAN: An off-limits dessert buffet where dogs have long dined at their own risk.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. To show your love, wag your tail and gaze adoringly. If you're blessed, your human will love you in return.
NEUTER (Definition for Intact Males): You are going to be spending more time at home. As boring as that sounds, while there you may as well dig up the back yard looking for your lost libido.
NEUTER (Definition for Intact Females): He's still going to sniff, but no more one-night stands or wondering if he's going to call you the next day.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
SNIFF: A social custom when greeting visiting dogs and humans. Place your nose as close as you can to the visitor's rectum and inhale deeply. Repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
SPAY (Definition For Intact Males): You're going to have to find a new girl-friend.
SPAY (Definition For Intact Females): A medical procedure that humans have performed on their female dogs in order to keep stray male dogs from camping in their yard for two weeks every 6 months.
TOILET: Canine auto-hydration device similar to a soda fountain for humans, but limited to one flavored libation at a time. If there are children in the home, must frequent several times during the day.
THUNDER: A signal that
the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger
by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, howling and following at their heels. If this is not effective,
save yourself by hiding in the closet or under the bed. If they are too stupid to save themselves, then save yourself. You can always get another person.
TREATS: A well-known mathematical test for dogs where your person puts three treats in his/her pocket but only gives you two.
VISITOR'S LEG: A well-known canine aphrodisiac. Should be used sparingly as there have been reported several serious physical side-effects.
WASTE BASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, old candy wrappers, and (hopefully) baby diapers, the poopie ones are the most desirable. When you get bored, turn over the waste basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. Then meet them at the door or pretend to be asleep and pretend to be shocked and indignant when your person blames you for the mess.