They Ask Why I Like Retirement !!!

Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:  Tied shoes.

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:  NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store their stuff there.

Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal .

Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:  The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:  He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

Question:  What do you do all week?
Answer:  Six days a week, NOTHING..... and on the Sabbath, I rest.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably should not grow old...

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and/or well preserved body, but rather you should skid in broadside,
your body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming,
"Wow, what a ride!"

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"Ninety-eight", she replied, "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Yes. It's hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia.
I have poor circulation;
I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 
I've lost all my friends.  But, thank heaven,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
She replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Then again, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For Fast Relief.'

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the opportunity to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


I've been told for years, "Son, don't ever grow old"
but considering the alternative,
I think I'll take my chances.

Get even.
Live long enough to be a problem for your children.


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.